New Year’s resolutions—those shiny promises we make to ourselves on January 1st, only to abandon them faster than a treadmill in February. While some resolutions are noble aspirations, others are downright laughable, hopeless, or just impossible to keep. Here’s a lighthearted look at some of the worst-kept New Year’s resolutions and why they fail so gloriously.
“I Will Set Goals”
Ah, the Meta-Resolution. How ambitious of you to resolve… to resolve later. That’s like proposing to propose someday or deciding to start an exercise routine by aggressively napping first. Setting goals to set more goals? Congratulations, you’ve simultaneously done everything and nothing at all.
“Be Good, Be Kind, Be Better”
Inspirational words, sure, but who invited the motivational poster into the room? What does “be good” even mean? Good at what? Are we aiming for sainthood or mastering the art of not texting an ex at 3 a.m.? Vague resolutions like these are beyond useless—they provide no roadmap, just a foggy sign pointing to “somewhere better, probably.” The only thing vague resolutions guarantee is their inevitable failure—or success, depending on how you stretch the meaning!
“Improve My Health” or “Eat Better”
This classic resolution is so open-ended it might as well come with its own question mark. Sure, you’ll eat better—right up until someone brings donuts to the office. What does “eat better” even mean? Switching from potato chips to kale chips? Refusing to recognize Cheez Whiz as a food group? Without a concrete plan like “stop treating nachos as a food pyramid,” this resolution will likely collapse under the weight of its own vagueness.
“Have More Sex, Get a Significant Other, or Get Married”
Bold move here, assuming the universe is just going to hand you love and romance on a platter. This resolution isn’t just impractical—it’s wildly reliant on someone else’s consent. Unless you’re making this resolution jointly with a partner (and even then, tread carefully), this does more harm than good. Better to keep this under your control—like, say, resolving to shower regularly. Just don’t hitch your wagon to someone else’s willingness to swipe right.
“Be Better at Everything”
Nothing like impossible standards to start the year! Sure, you want to excel, but resolving to wake up one day as the Beyoncé of your own life is the highway to burnout. Want to actually succeed? Swap vague platitudes for something actionable—like “I’ll stop forgetting to mute myself on Zoom calls.” Small, specific wins, people.
“I’ll Work Out Every Day”
What’s the first rule of unrealistic gym resolutions? The harder you commit, the quicker you quit. Declaring nonstop cardio and daily deadlifts sounds impressive but will likely end with you scrolling TikTok in yoga pants and calling it a “rest day.” Be reasonable: “I’ll go to the gym three times a week and only cry in the parking lot twice” has a much better success rate.
“Quit ALL Bad Habits”
Sure, go ahead and give up carbs, caffeine, gossiping, impulse shopping, and procrastinating all at once. By February, you’ll be mainlining espresso while hate-scrolling Instagram and stress-buying socks you don’t need. Change is hard. Start small—maybe by cutting back on your three-daily venti caramel lattes.
“I’ll Be More Positive”
It’s easy to say, harder to do—especially around mid-March when tax season rears its ugly head or when the person in front of you at Starbucks orders something that takes six minutes to make. A lofty vibe of positivity sounds great, but don’t forget: life is still life. Try “I’ll complain less about my coworker’s terrible lunch smells” instead. Manageable. Achievable.
Sometimes the best resolution is to skip the self-deception and just accept you’ll mess up now and then. Embrace the chaos, laugh at the failures, and remember: January 1st is just a date—the real magic is in trying, failing, and trying again. Happy New Year, and may your resolutions survive until at least January 3rd!
