Ah, the beach—where the sand invades your snacks, seagulls plot against your chips, and sunscreen somehow ends up where sunscreen should not be. We’d all love to think of the beach as paradise, but it can quickly turn into Mad Max: Fury Sand if everyone forgets their manners. Don’t be the villain of someone else’s beach day—follow this guide to beach etiquette, served with a splash of humour
Respect Personal Space Like It’s Sacred Ground
Sure, we’re all here for the same sun, but nobody asked for you to set up your umbrella two inches from their cooler. Think of the beach like a first date—respect boundaries. Give people some breathing room, unless your goal is to make a new best friend by accident.
Bonus Tarmac Top Tip: If your sandwich crumbs can blow onto their towel, you’re too close.
Trash Goes in the Bin (No Exceptions, Karen)
Seriously, leaving your garbage on the beach is like inviting seagulls to a trash buffet. And trust me, once the seagulls are done with your fries, they’ll make your head their next landing pad.
It’s simple: bring a bag, toss your trash, and maybe even pick up that one lone flip-flop someone abandoned. The planet (and my bare feet) thanks you.
Don’t Annoy the Ocean’s Residents
The beach isn’t just your playground—it’s home to crabs, turtles, and those weird little fish that nibble at your toes. Admire them from a distance, and never think it’s a fun idea to reenact Finding Nemo by kidnapping a starfish.
And for the love of everything, respect lifeguard signs. If a nesting turtle gets more privacy than you at your office cubicle, there’s probably a good reason.
Obey the Signs: You’re Not Above the Law
If Fido isn’t allowed, leave Fido at home. If alcohol is banned, think twice before pulling out that tequila. The rules are there because someone probably ruined it for the rest of us by letting their great dane stomp through every sandcastle at Junior’s beach birthday party (RIP to the sand dragon).
Your Playlist ≠ Everyone’s Playlist
We all enjoy some good tunes, but blasting your favorite EDM remixes at full volume is basically asking for angry head turns. Keep your speaker’s volume low or—hear me out—use headphones. Unless you plan to DJ a full-on beach party, nobody wants to vibe to the soundtrack of your life.
Kids and Pets (a.k.a. Professional Chaos Generators)
Kids are cute. Dogs are adorable. Both are also low-key agents of destruction. If you bring them, keep an eye on them. Little Timmy shouldn’t be digging trenches that could swallow someone’s ankle, and your dog shouldn’t be stealing sandwiches like a four-legged bandit.
Scoop the poop, wrangle the chaos, and we’re all good.
Sand Is Not a Weapon
Digging holes, building castles, jumping around—it’s all part of the beach day fun. But flinging sand into someone else’s face or onto their meticulously arranged picnic? Rude.
When shaking out towels, do the decent thing: turn your back to civilization unless you enjoy being silently cursed by your neighbors. And no, a sneaky apology muttered under your breath doesn’t count.
Pick a Spot That Matches Your Energy
Want to play beach volleyball like your life depends on it? Great! Just don’t do it in the middle of a peaceful crowd of retirees silently reading romance novels. Loud and active? Head to the designated sports area. Quiet and chill? Pick a spot where the only thing buzzing is the waves.
Also, a frisbee to the head can ruin anyone’s day. Nobody wants to live out a real-life game of Whack-a-Human.
Sunscreen First, Hug Later
We all know sunscreen is a must. But here’s the thing: if you spray it near another person, they will inhale it, and that’s not a fragrance they’re going to thank you for. Apply your SPF at a respectful distance, and let it soak into your skin before you hug anyone. Nobody likes a sunscreen-slick greeting.
Don’t Steal the Scenery
Do you really need to spend 45 minutes filming a TikTok dance in the middle of everyone’s sunset view? Probably not. Snap a few pics, get your content, and then let other people enjoy the vibe, too.
Bonus Tarmac Top Tip: Nobody asked you to photobomb their romantic shot with your gnarly cannonball dive. Unless you’re positively hilarious, leave the cameos to the professionals.
Leave the Beach as You Found It
Taking a keepsake shell is fine. Hauling away half the shoreline? Not so much. Fill in your massive sand pits so someone doesn’t break an ankle. Double-check for stray toys, frisbees, or sunglasses before heading out.
And if you brought half the snack aisle, take the other half the snack aisle home. Seagulls do not need your sour cream and onion chips.
Wrap Up Your Day Calmly
As dusk rolls in, don’t pack up like the world’s ending. Slamming coolers, shouting to your friends, and honking your car horn aren’t the soundtrack anyone wants to end their day with. Pack quietly, say goodbye to the beach like a civilised human, and drive off into the sunset like you’re in a rom-com (minus the cheesy dialogue).
The Final Word
Staying classy at the beach isn’t hard: clean up, respect others, and act like you’ve seen sand before. Anyone can have fun AND be polite—yes, even you, towel-shaker. So, pack your sunscreen, your patience, and a decent amount of humility, and let’s all coexist peacefully at the shores…unless the seagulls unionise, in which case, we’re all doomed.
